


If We Were Birds...

by written_with_no_end



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Bisexual Louis, Gay Harry, High School AU, I promise, I'm Sorry, M/M, Relationship with big age gap, Slight Violence, WIP, because it's set in britain, bi!louis, but not between louis and harry, but ssshh, but still, except secondary school, gay!harry, i'm sure you can guess who it is between looking at these tags, it's good, mentions of elounor - Freeform, mentions of gryles, or like two punches, or whatever the fuck nick and harry's ship name is, side ziam if you squint, underage alcohol abuse, use of homophobic slurs, which is sort of a spoiler
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-16
Updated: 2016-02-28
Packaged: 2018-05-21 02:42:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6034896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/written_with_no_end/pseuds/written_with_no_end
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the past five years Louis Tomlinson has ruled Oaken School as part of the popular crowd. For the past five years Harry Styles had skipped to class and hung around with the weird girls. Why should any of it change now?</p>
<p>OR yet another fic where Louis 'finds' himself and Harry helps</p>
<p>~ title taken from a line later in the fic ~</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The One At The Start

**Author's Note:**

> I uploaded this before however altered the story line slightly and am re-uploading it. The towns this fic is set in are fictional and this entire work is fictional. Although I have used real people's names it is in no way a good reflection on their personality or situation.  
> Other than that, please enjoy. (also at the end I explain the British School System for anyone confused :))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so not much happens in the first chapter apart from a lot of scene setting HOWEVER it does pick up - I promise. I got the inspiration from that picture from the TMH tour where all of the boys are sat on the stairs and it looks like some high school hierarchy. (Louis is at the top of the stairs, Zayn beneath, then Liam and Niall sat on the same one under Zayn and then Harry alone at the bottom - if you don't know it don't worry.)  
> This entire work is fictional. Although I have used real people's names it is in no way a good reflection on their personality or situation. The town and school are fictional as well as all the sites, houses and people mentioned - any similarities is purely coincidental.  
> Other than that, please enjoy. (also at the end of this chapter in the notes I explain the British School System for anyone confused :))

Louis just made through the school gate when he heard the bell ring for the first day of term. The buildings looked just as drab and dreary as Louis’ past five years at Oaken School and despite Louis now being in the sixth form, he was dreading the year just as much as any other. Running late before term had even officially begun, Louis headed towards the school reception and spotted the A4 sheets of paper stuck to the wall that would tell him his new form and form room.  The sheets of paper were just lists of students names next to their new form and Louis scanned through the alphabet until he found his own underneath the Ts.

_TOMLINSON Louis, Mr S.Cowell, B1, 12SC._

That was fucking great. Mr fucking Cowell.

Louis was stuck with the business teacher from hell as a form tutor and seriously considered just walking out of school again. He wore his trousers around his nipples and was the reason no one, literally NO ONE, took business studies as a lesson at the school. Rumours were that he’d marked certain students down on nothing but spite and the students he managed to force into working for his business outside of school (some advertising thing) and you couldn’t leave. Louis headed towards the business classroom upstairs reluctantly, bidding goodbye to Calvin and Stan who had both ended up in Miss Cole’s form, 12OC. Miss Cole was the (sort of) pretty English teacher that all of the boys in the school seemed to fantasised over. Louis was stuck with the aging, probably gay, Mr Cowell who it was rumoured had pec implants.

 Oaken School was a big one and was situated in between the neighbouring towns of Walton (where Louis, Calvin, Stan and their mate Oli lived) and Lochen on Water (or Loch for short). Louis had lived in Walton his entire life and knew both Walton and Loch inside out. Louis had gone to Walton Primary until he was 11, at the age of 11 he’d started at Oaken School and was now starting the sixth form there as well. He knew the school inside out and along with his ‘gang’ he ruled it.

Louis reached the top of the staircase and turned right to the business class room that his new form room. “Fucking hell.” Louis muttered under his breath upon seeing who was in his new form. It was safe to say the only person that existed anywhere near Louis’ social circle was Zayn Malik and when he saw who Zayn was on a table with Louis groaned: Niall, the annoying Irish boy who’d moved to the school three years ago and performed in every school concert; Liam, the teacher’s pet who never let Louis get away with anything and- fuck – was that Harry Styles?

 Louis had never spoken to the boy because he’d never needed (or wanted) to talk to the weird kid who hung out with the strange girls and skipped to classes occasionally (Harry didn’t skip them, he _skipped to them!_ ). Louis couldn’t be sure whether it was Harry however; Harry hadn’t had curly hair or a deep voice, Harry had looked about twelve and had had strange blonde highlights the last time Louis had seen him which now Louis thought about it was probably a while ago.

Louis slipped down into the chair besides Zayn who was doodling something on the back of his hand as usual. He liked Zayn: Zayn was cool and they went to a lot of the same parties but he’d never have called Zayn a friend. Louis leant over to the raven haired boy and whispered quietly to him.

 “Is that Harry Styles?”

Louis was quiet despite the fact Harry was sat at the other end of the table, drawing a triangle on his own hand and not paying attention to anything. Zayn looked around at Louis’ question, he obviously hadn’t realised Louis had come in because he’d been so engrossed in the pattern on the back of his hand but Louis didn’t take it personally – Zayn was often out of it.

 “Yeah,” Zayn nodded with a smirk, “he finally grew a dick.” This was another reason Louis liked Zayn: they had the same sense of humour.

“I doubt that.” Louis chuckled and glanced back at Zayn’s hand. What Zayn had been working on was less of a doodle and more of a tattoo idea now Louis really checked it out. “Cool design.” He mentioned and Zayn smiled proudly.

 “Thanks bro, I’m going to be a tattoo artist one day.” Yeah; Louis could see Zayn being a tattoo artist with a joint hanging out the side of his mouth and maybe a silver nose piercing. “A tattoo artist or an English teacher.”

 Louis had been in Zayn’s English set for GCSE and knew Zayn and he were both doing it for A level but he hadn’t realised Zayn was so passionate about it. Louis wasn’t sure whether he could quite see Zayn standing up and doing Mr Walsh’s job but it was great that he had those aspirations.

 Anyway, back to the class.

Through some sort of fluke Luke Hemmings, Michael Clifford, Calum Hood and Ashton Irwin had all managed to wind up in the same form and although Louis was on the football team with Michael and Calum, he’d never really spoken to them. It was unfair really, letting all four of the emo, punk clique be together in a form but they could be a laugh sure; Louis was prepared to put up with that.

 As Louis’ eyes moved further around the classroom he saw Jesy Nelson, Jade Thirwell, Leigh-Anne Pinnock and Perrie Edwards sat near the windows at the front. He looked back at Zayn who was still working on the ‘tattoo’ on his hand and smirked. Perrie and Zayn had dated since Year 8 until their very public break up at a party in the summer when Zayn had walked in on Perrie with her lips attached to Leigh-Anne’s. Perrie had claimed that the kiss was platonic but Zayn had yelled and admitted he didn’t love her anymore anyway so the two in the same form was sure to be interesting.

 Louis liked all four of the girls. They were a bit prissy and over reacted to pretty much everything but he’d done drama with Perrie and Jesy and knew Perrie was continuing to do it this year like him. Jade was very sweet and a good friend of Eleanor’s and he’d had a few good parties with Leigh-Anne; maybe form wasn’t going to be as bad as he’d first anticipated.

 Ed Sheeran, the weird ginger kid that was mates with Niall and Harry was sat on the table behind Perrie, Leigh-Anne, Jesy and Jade with two girls Louis couldn’t even name if he tried and Taylor Swift.  Taylor was a leggy American girl who was new to the school but had caused a flurry of excited texts going around when people had learned she was arriving, how she’d ended up being sat with Ed confused Louis and he made a mental note to offer to help her to her next class. She’d fit right in with Louis’ crowd and maybe he could even push a friendship between Taylor and Eleanor. Rumour had it she had rich parents and everyone knew that meant the best house parties.

 On the final table to be inspected were a mixed group of boys and girls Louis didn’t know too well and couldn’t name. He had classes with them and sometimes smoked with them at parties but they were from the posh side of Walton town and he tended to not get too involved. Although they were probably nice he could feel their judgemental looks when they saw him sling his ripped bag across his body or wear the same pair of broken school shoes for a term.

 Everyone was in Year 12 now though: it was their first year of sixth form and they no longer had to wear the school’s black and red ties, white shirts and black blazers. Although boys still had to wear shirts and ties they were more casual and the girls certainly looked better out of their red blouses and pleated skirts.

 The door behind Louis opened again and Louis watched as Mr Cowell, their new form tutor and head of Business, walked to the front and smiled at them all (not that his smiles ever reached his eyes).

 “Morning 12SC.” He welcomed them, nodding as he scanned the class. “Please place your bags on the floor.” He added when he noticed Louis’ old black Vans rucksack still in front of him on the brown table.

 “Sorry sir.” Louis muttered and pushed it off the desk. Mr Cowell turned and sat at the computer, logging on to the system so he could take the register. While he did that he muttered some things about the new school year that Louis couldn’t be bothered with listening to and then the register was being called.

 “Harry Styles.” Louis glanced up and Harry’s “Yes sir” confirmed that this boy who could pass for being cool and good looking enough to belong in Louis’ crowd was the weird kid Louis had never ever felt compelled to talk to.

 Taylor and Jade’s names were then called before “Louis Tomlinson”. Louis muttered the necessary “Yes sir” before pulling out his phone under the table and pulling up Eleanor’s contact.

 Eleanor was his girlfriend and had been for six months. She’d had a crush on Louis for a lot longer than that but Louis had eventually agreed to date her at one of Calvin’s parties last year. She was very pretty, had a gorgeous petite figure, had long brown hair and blue eyes just like Louis. Louis’ family loved Eleanor (although he probably couldn’t say the same for her family on him) and the sex certainly wasn’t bad.

 He knew Eleanor worked with _a_ Harry in the bakery with on Saturday morning and wondered whether it was this one – he looked like a baker.

_U work with Harry Styles right?_ _U never told me he finally hit puberty is he like 6ft now or sumthin?_

“That’s bad grammar bro.” Zayn muttered and Louis realised he was reading the text ready to send over his shoulder.

 “Mind your own business.” Louis replied flippantly and pressed send despite the bad grammar. From the way Eleanor often stayed over and kept Louis up until the early hours she didn’t mind his grammar too much and Louis happily relayed this to Zayn out loud.

 “Because we all want to know what you and Eleanor get up to.” Liam muttered from his seat a metre or two away and Louis took the bait.

 “Jealous?” Louis sneered. “What do you and Sophia do on dates then? Play chess?” To Liam’s credit he did very well at not retaliating but that simply made Louis more determined to piss him off; he didn’t get a chance sadly because Mr Cowell had begun to talk again and Liam turned away.

 Mr Cowell went on for what felt like forever, banging on about the importance of working as a team and Louis only snapped back to reality when Mr Cowell finally handed out the timetables which were what everyone was really waiting for. Desperately, Louis snatched his up and scanned it, taking in the names of the teachers he had. He had Mr Walsh for English like he’d expected – he’d had the Irish man before who had told Louis time and time again that he was born to be a writer and it would be nice to have a teacher he already knew. Louis had Mr Rover for PE which was a nice surprise – Mr Rover was only about thirty and had taught Louis when Louis had first started at Oaken before Louis had been stuck in grumpy old Mr McGees PE class for four years in a row. Mrs Williams was to be his IT teacher and Louis could put up with the middle aged women with a furry top lip for his AS in IT. Finally Louis found Mr Corden’s name for Drama and grinned, Mr Corden was a fun loving, laid back drama teacher who’d helped Louis gain his only A* for GCSE. A level drama would be a breeze. Over all it wasn’t too bad but then Louis realised there was an extra lesson that shouldn’t be there.

 “Ur, Sir.” Louis called out. “How come I have RE with Miss Carling, I didn’t take RE.” A few other people also spoke out about the strange presence of RE on their time tables with the various teachers and Mr Cowell sighed.

 “It’s an experiment with your year. You’re going to be studying GCSE level RE to keep you more aware about the real world while also working on you’re A levels. You won’t be examined but you all have to attend.”

 “I didn’t take RE for a reason.” Niall complained from next to Zayn in his annoyed Irish accent. “I can’t do RE for shit.”

“Yeah and how are we meant to have time to revise our other subjects?” Liam frowned. “It’s a stupid idea.”

No one in the class sounded pleased about the lesson but obviously nothing could be changed. Mr Cowell refused to let any of them go and see the head teacher and Louis decided just to treat it like a free period. Mrs Carling was a decent teacher and he was sure if he turned on his charm and told her he really needed to rehearse a drama performance or something she’d let him off.

  Louis checked with Zayn’s timetable which confirmed they were in English together and then heard Liam telling Niall that he also had Mr Rover for PE. Louis managed to prevent himself from groaning too audibly but only just. It turned out Niall was in Louis’ IT class which was sure to drive Louis slowly mad this year with his constant laughing and Louis doubted Harry was doing any of the same A levels as him. They’d never been in a class together before thanks to the school’s size and Louis expected that Harry had taken things like Phycology and Photography along with Biology and Music or something. Yeah, that sounded about right, maybe Eleanor had mentioned it once.

 Form was luckily only for 20 minutes every morning so it wasn’t long before the bell rang and Louis followed Zayn across the site to English, itching to catch up with any gossip he would have missed in their six weeks off. Louis couldn’t help it but he’d always need to know other people’s business, it was just what he did.

 “Are you completely done with Perrie then?” Louis checked. Zayn nodded, checking around them to make sure she wasn’t nearby.  “So are you just going to ignore her in form?” Zayn nodded again before opening his mouth.

 “You know what Sir’s like.” Zayn grumbled. “He’ll find out, sit us together and wait for some big drama to brag about to the other teachers in the staff room. Are you still with Eleanor?”

Louis nodded, wondering whether she was with him in any lessons. He sent her a quick text but was met with disappointment when she sent the picture of her own time table: there was nothing in common. It looked like he’d be seeing a lot less of his girlfriend this year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was that? Good? Bad? I know it's slow and the first chapter goes on a bit and I'm sorry but it is all relevant, I promise :)
> 
> Now just in case there are people reading and don't understand the British school system, listen up:  
> In Britain the school year goes from September - August with a week half term around Halloween, two weeks off for Christmas, a week half term in February, two weeks off for Easter, a week half term at the end of May and six weeks in the summer from the second half of July and the whole of August.  
> Generally you start school in school year you turn five (although most people start in September meaning they're four when they start school anyway) and this year is called Reception (I don't know why, it just is.)  
> After reception the years go from 1 right up until year 11 where you take your GCSEs at the age of 16 (or 15 if your birthday is in July or August). Is that clear? I hope so.  
> So when you are 4/5 you start a primary school which you attend until you are 11 (in Year Six) unless you go to an Infant and Junior school which means that you go to the infant for Reception, Year One and Year Two and then the junior school for Years 3 up until 6 (but that't not really relevant in this story)  
> Then in Year 7 you start a Secondary school which goes from the years 7 until 11 where, like I said earlier, you take you GCSEs. After your GCSEs you have a choice: you can attend a sixth form, a college or start an apprenticship. In this story all of the main characters are at Oaken School's sixth form as Oaken School (which is fictional) has a sixth form on the same site. In sixth form you take A and AS levels which you generally finish when you are 18 in Year Thirteen,  
> Because I decided to keep all of One Direction in the same year, Niall is now the oldest and Liam is now the youngest but they are all pretty much the same age. If you still have any questions please comment them below and I will try my best to answer clearly :)
> 
> Kudos and comments are much appreciated, come and follow me on tumblr @written-with-no-end


	2. The One With The Halloween Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Halloween and we all know what that means... parties and alcohol!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a few confessions before you read this:  
> I am a big supporter of Niall and Jade being casual fuckbuddies  
> I love a good Perrie and Louis friendship  
> I was going to make Zerrie happen but... nah.  
> I wrote Louis being drunk VERY badly but please just go with it because I have edited and rewritten SO MANY TIMES and in the grand scheme of things it's fine
> 
> Right, now read on and enjoy!

The first two months of school were uneventful and just as boring as Louis had predicted. Louis got started on all of his A levels, played football for the school, visited Eleanor at the weekends got used to the new social life of sixth form. It turned out to not be that different but was far easier now to get hold of alcohol and there were better house parties.

 Louis and Zayn had a good laugh in form and English, both having similar senses of humour and personalities that went together well. Louis occasionally went with Zayn to the skate park after school, got to know all of his mates like Danny and Anthony and found out that he was actually a decent skater. Louis had always been mates with Zayn since year seven but Zayn spent a lot of time holed up in the art rooms at school and wasn’t a massive fan of partying so Louis had never spent too much time with him until now.

 Niall turned out to be alright. His constant chatter and noise in IT could actually be entertaining and not as distracting as Louis had thought. He was full of funny anecdotes and was good humoured about everything. The first few times Niall had interrupted Louis working and Louis had sworn at him, Niall had chuckled it off and told Louis that one day they’d be best mates so Louis just humoured him now and... well maybe not all of it was acting.

 Liam was still a straight laced dick but Louis made the effort to be nice to him for Zayn. The pair’s friendship had been unprecedented but Zayn glared at Louis and grumbled quietly whenever Louis shot an insult at Liam so Louis had toned it down, not wanting Zayn to dislike him when he was Louis’ only friend in form.

And Harry... Louis hadn’t actually spoken to Harry properly yet but Eleanor seemed to love working with him. As it turned out Eleanor and Harry had been working together at the bakery on a Saturday morning for almost a year but Louis didn’t ever recall Eleanor ever speaking of him. Louis couldn’t really pass an accurate judgement on the curly haired lad but maybe that would change with Halloween. Eleanor had insisted on inviting Harry to the Halloween party she was throwing at the end of October and Louis tried to intervene but she’d taken none of it.

 “But he’s a bit weird El,” Louis pointed out when he saw the final guest list a week before the party in Eleanor’s bedroom. His rucksack was on the floor and he was planning to stay the night but he hadn’t planned to help organise a party with her. “He’s probably never been to a party before and will just be a damper.”

“If you care so much then you can tell him to his face why he was kicked off the invite list.” Eleanor snapped back and Louis backed down; he was sassy and confrontational but doing that to Harry would be like taking sweets from a child. “I like Harry, we have a laugh in the bakery and I feel a little bit sorry for him, I don’t know why he doesn’t come to more parties.”

 Also invited to the party was leggy Taylor Swift who Louis had now learnt was a bit of a bitch and interested in no guys except the ginger Ed who would play the guitar and sing with her at lunch. Zayn had insisted that Liam came as they were working on an art project together and had struck up a friendship that no one had foreseen and Eleanor decided to invite Niall as she found him hilarious on the few times she’d spoken to him.

 “El babe, you’ve just invited my form.” Louis moaned. “None of my actual mates are coming.”

“Your ‘mates’,” Eleanor put quotation marks around the word and Louis felt slightly offended, “would just get drunk and trash the house; I’ve seen them do it before. You’ve got Zayn and anyway, I thought you like your form.”

 “I tolerate them.” Louis protested and pursed his lips, glancing over the list again. “You’ve invited Perrie? I suppose she’s a good laugh at parties?” A memory of Perrie stumbling drunkenly into a hedge had suddenly come back to him and he wouldn’t mind seeing that again.

 “I invited Zayn as well though, that could get awkward.” Eleanor pointed out and Louis’ eyes lit up with an idea.

 “Maybe we could try and get them back together.” Louis suggested.

“That’s a thought.” Eleanor smiled at the prospect of a project. “I’ve invited Leigh-Anne, Jesy and Jade as well so Perrie won’t just follow us around but they’ll make it fun.” Louis nodded at the idea but then realised that this was even more of his form.

 “This is literally my form.” Louis moaned again. “Eleanor please let me invite Stan, Oli and Calvin.” If the three of them found out that Louis had been directly involved in the guest list process and they weren’t on it then Louis would have hell to pay and the more and more people from Mr Cowell’s form, the more it looked like Louis had helped with the guest list.

 “You’re allowed one.” Eleanor eventually sighed after Louis explained his reasoning. “Stan can come but if Oli and Calvin turn up I’m kicking you out with them.”

“Fine,” Louis sighed, “thank you babe.” Louis pulled Eleanor in for a kiss to thank her. Eleanor smiled and kissed him back, pulling him closer until she was on her back with Louis lying on top, kissing her hungrily. _This was what Louis had been planning on doing that night._

 

A week later Louis was dressed up as Fred from Scooby Doo complete with the handkerchief around his neck and a blonde wig with Daphne (or Eleanor) on his arm, welcoming guests to her party. It didn’t take long for the party to get started but Louis hung around the edge of the room with Eleanor, watching it all unfold.

 “Louis look,” Eleanor pouted. “Perrie and Zayn are opposite ends of the room.” Louis checked and saw she was right. Zayn was stood in the corner with Zayn, deep in conversation while Perrie was dancing freely with Leigh Anne and Jesy at the other end. “I was sure they were back together when they arrived, look, they’re dressed like a couple.” Louis did look and noticed that Eleanor was right – Zayn was dressed as Batman and Perrie as cat women.

 “Zayn also matches Liam though,” Louis pointed to Liam stood next to Zayn as the Joker.

“I thought we were going to get them back together.” Eleanor pouted and although Louis doubted anything he said would change either mind he nodded at Eleanor.

 “I’ll talk to Pez.” Louis promised and detached himself from Eleanor’s side to make his way over to the blonde girl dressed as cat woman.

 “Louis! How are you babe?” She asked when she noticed his arrival.

“I’m good thank you.” Louis nodded. “What made you come as cat women?”

 “Oh Louis!” Perrie sighed. “Literally everyone has asked me about this. You were going to ask me about Zayn weren’t you?”

 “No!” Louis protested. _Yes._

 “Yes you were! I heard you and Eleanor earlier when I was getting a drink, he’s dressed as batman and I’m cat women but it’s a total coincidence, I swear!” She rolled her eyes. “I’m not having anything to do with that arrogant prick anymore.”

 “Eyes on anyone else?” Louis enquired, Eleanor would want Louis to return with at least a little bit of gossip but Perrie just shook her head.

 “No one here is worthy of me.” She joked with a wicked smile. “Jesy got Jake’s number though, she’s very pleased with herself.”

 “Oh well done Jess.” Louis congratulated, patting the girl who’d moved from Essex on the back. Jake was in Eleanor’s form and was on the rugby team, he was a nice lad and Jesy had had a crush on him for a while. “Where’s Jade?”

 “With Niall and Harry,” Leigh-Anne sighed, “and has been since we arrived.”

Louis looked around the room until he laid his eyes on Jade who was dressed as Alice in Wonderland, Niall who was dressed up as Jack from the Titanic and Harry who was Captain Jack Sparrow. Jade was very pink and laughing to something Harry or Niall had just said and Louis found himself frowning, how was Harry, the weird kid who had been a nobody before this year, picking up Jade, one of the cutest girls in the year.

 “What’s with the frown?” Perrie teased, “You’ve got a girlfriend remember, you can’t go chasing Jade!”

 “No, I’m not jealous.” Louis shook his head. “But how are Harry and Niall doing that? Harry was the school weirdo last year.”

 “I know.” Perrie nodded. “He and Niall are nice though and it’s not like puberty did Harry any harm, Jade thinks they’re hilarious.”

Unable to stay away, Louis left Perrie’s side and approached Harry, Niall and Jade.

 “How are we all?” He asked with a smile. Jade’s eyes were big and wide, she had her full flirt on and giggled cutely when Louis arrived, he’d seen it all before.

 “Niall was just telling me about his cousin Willie.” Jade explained, still giggling. Louis had heard many a tale of ‘cousin Willie’ himself but had never found it that funny.

 “Sounds fascinating.” Louis grinned but his tone was dry and he turned to Harry who was dressed up as a pretty convincing Jack Sparrow. “How come you’ve not got your flirt on curly? Niall’s stealing all the girls.”

 “I’m not interested.” Harry shrugged like it was obvious and Louis frowned. What boy came to a party and wasn’t interested in picking up girls? Harry evidently was one of these boys but... what a weirdo.

 Twenty minutes later Louis found himself sat in a circle to play ‘Never Have I Ever’ with Eleanor draped on his lap, Zayn and Liam to his right and Niall to his left with Jade tucked under his arm. Stan, Perrie, Jesy, Leigh-Anne, Taylor, Ed, Jake and Andy were all also in the circle. The first few ‘never have I evers’ were the usual: never have I ever cheated on a test; never have I ever smoked a blunt; never have I ever gotten drunk; never have I ever watched porn. _Louis was pissed already._

 “Never have I ever,” Niall slurred before chuckling, “Slept with a girl!”

Niall cackled as Zayn (glaring at Perrie), Louis, Liam to Louis’ surprise, Ed, Stan and Andy all leant in and grabbed a drink while Jade frowned at Niall a little.

 “You’re a virgin?” She frowned and Niall nodded, lips tantalisingly close to Jade’s – Louis sort of wanted just to press them together and get it over with. “Maybe I could change that for you.” Louis saw Niall’s eyes fill with lust and it was quite disgusting. Why didn’t Eleanor ever look at Louis like that? Maybe she did... Louis was too drunk to be thinking about Eleanor if he wanted to keep his dignity.

 “Never have I ever,” Stan spoke up before grinning at Louis, “Popped a boner in the changing rooms.” _Louis had done that – that was something he could remember when drunk._

 “Oh for fucks sake.” Louis groaned. “That was one time and I hadn’t wanked in days.” His excuse was no used though, Louis took his fifth or sixth shot of the game and along with the beers he’d been chugging down earlier, he knew he was at tipping point with the alcohol. Was anyone else as drunk as he was? No because Niall had made challenged him to down a pint earlier only to reveal afterwards Louis’ was spiked with Vodka.

 “Oh for god’s sake Louis, you’re pissed.” Eleanor moaned when he wrapped his arms tightly around her, kissing into her ear sloppily. Eleanor pushed Louis away and Louis stood up and left the Never Have I Ever circle, he didn’t like the game anymore. He wobbled as he found his feet and grabbed the closest thing to him to steady himself, the thing being Eleanor’s head. “Just go and sober up a little bit.” Eleanor called after him. It wasn’t Louis’ fault that everyone was out to get him.

 Stumbling into Eleanor’s kitchen, Louis spotted a glass of water on the side that was probably not spiked and he grabbed it. Water was meant to be good when you were drunk – water was a good idea. Whose idea had it even been to play never have I ever anyway? Probably Niall’s, Niall was Irish and everyone knew they loved drinking. It was Niall’s fault Louis was too drunk to think properly. He took his glass of water and tried to find somewhere to sit where he could watch everything happen from a distance. It had been a few minutes of Louis sipping his water and watch as Perrie wickedly dared Liam and Zayn to make out (to which they both blushed and turned away at) and Louis was considering just going up to Eleanor’s bedroom to sleep the alcohol off when someone said his name.

 “Louis...” The uncertain voice came from below Louis. Below Louis? Louis was now sitting on the stairs but Louis wasn’t sure when that had happened. “Are you okay?”

 “I’m fabulous.” Louis slurred back, trying to remember why Captain Jack Sparrow was stood at the bottom of the stairs talking to him. “Are you okay?” He returned, trying to be polite. “You look sober... you look too sober for Captain Jack Sparrow, where’s your rum?” Had Louis remembered the films wrong? Maybe. “Do you want a drink?” Louis held out his glass to offer the pirate before remembering it was. “You probably don’t want this, it does nothing for you.” Louis sipped it down himself, grimacing at the lack of alcohol and watching as Jack Sparrow fiddle with one of his braids.

“By the looks of it, water is probably a good idea.” Right, so this pirate was a sassy one. Louis could deal with that, he had an insult prepared.

 “Has anyone ever told you that pirates aren’t meant to be pretty?” Louis hadn’t meant for his question to sound like that of an innocent child and it looked like Captain Jack Sparrow was struggling to work out whether Louis was being serious. Quite honestly Louis wasn’t sure himself but he did like green eyes, they reminded him of Harry Potter and everyone loves a quidditch player.

 “No one’s ever told me I was too pretty to be a pirate.” Jack Sparrow muttered at the bottom of the stairs while Louis swirled the water around his glass making it look like a whirlpool – that was fun.

 “Well you are.” Louis frowned at the pirate, “Pirates are meant to be scary.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Jack Sparrow chuckled.

 “I’ve never met a pirate before.” Louis told Jack Sparrow conversationally. “Can I have your number?”

 Jack Sparrow frowned at Louis with his green eyes but then nodded. He reeled off his number and Louis saved it into his phone triumphantly as _Jack Sparrow (pretty pirate)_ and then looked back into the living room where the familiar start to Thriller by Michael Jackson had just begun.

 “I know the dance to this.” Louis’ grin lit up the stair case and he rose to his feet, wobbling and stumbling down into Jack Sparrow. “Sorry- I’m going to find Eleanor and dance with her. I hope you find your rum and get ugly Jack, have a good night.”

 “Yeah... I will.” Jack Sparrow frowned and watched as Louis went back into the living room, pulling Eleanor to her feet and then dancing the classic thriller dance with Niall and Jade as well. Louis Tomlinson certainly didn’t handle alcohol well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was drunk Louis? Yay or nay?  
> Slight spoiler for this fic: If Louis has alcohol inside of him he's generally going to do something he regrets or doesn't remember.
> 
> Comments and kudos will be much appreciated and come and find me on tumblr @written-with-no-end


	3. The One With The Lift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for homophobic slurs right at the end and if you're severely claustrophobic or reading about being trapped in places isn't good for you then be warned that a large proportion of this chapter is set in a lift... apart from that enjoy!

It was a Saturday afternoon in the middle of November and Louis woke up at just past ten. That was relatively early for him on a Saturday but he knew Eleanor would only be half an hour away from finishing her four-hour shift at the bakery. Considering texting Eleanor and asking her to come over, Louis went downstairs to see his mother sat at the kitchen table on the phone sighing.

 “I know Mum.” He heard Jay say to his Nan over the phone. “I know it’s difficult for you to lug the hoover around... yeah... I can send Louis around if you want.” Louis glanced up at his name and understood what Jay was talking about. With his Nan’s old age she now struggled to clean her flat and it wasn’t unusual for Louis to go around and help her hoover in return for an afternoon alone with the women who’d raised him when his mother had been training to be a nurse and his father had been absent; one thing he would never admit out loud would be how much he missed seeing his Nan after school every day while waiting for Jay to come and collect him. He made himself a bowl of coco pops and cornflakes, a favourite from when he was a child, and waited for his Mum to come off of the phone. Jay’s half of the conversation talked about how his sisters were doing at school and their plans for Christmas and He was halfway through his bowl when the call ended and Jay let out an audible sigh.

 “Is Nan alright?” Louis asked looking up at his mother and Jay simply shrugged – she looked tired.

“Her hips playing up” was offered to Louis as an explanation. Louis’ Nan had had her hip replaced last year and every now and then it would ‘play up’ and leave her unable to walk much. “She has friends visiting tomorrow and needs the flat to be clean.”

 “Did you tell her I’d go around and do it for her?” Louis guessed and Jay nodded apologetically.

“She promised to pay you.”

 “I’m not doing it for the money.” Louis shrugged. “Nan knows that.” It looked like Louis wouldn’t be seeing Eleanor anytime soon.

 

Louis’ Nan lived in a block of flats just a ten minute walk away from Louis’ house so he pulled on his vans and got going as soon as he’d finished his bowl of cereal. When Louis arrived at the block and let himself in he heard the doors to the lift chiming and ran, managing to catch the only lift in the building before it departed. As Louis crossed the threshold into the lift he tripped over and flung his arms out to hold something steady; it turned out Louis had grabbed the other person stood in the lift to catch his balance.

 “Louis?” Louis’ head was up like a shot and he realised it was Harry Styles’ arm he was clutching as he regained some stability.

 “Shit- sorry.” Louis blushed and realised what an idiot he looked – running and tripping just to catch the lift. “I tripped.” _Yes, well done Louis, it’s not like Harry hadn’t noticed._ Louis stepped away from Harry and pressed the six, noting that Harry had wanted to go to the seventh. “How come you’re here?” Louis inquired. His Nan had lived here for Louis’ entire life and he’d never ever seen Harry here even once before – then again, he didn’t notice Eleanor until he learned she had a crush on him and they’d been in some of the same classes for five years. _Maybe Louis was just arrogant? He should really start paying more attention to people._

 “My cousin Matty moved in on floor 7 a few weeks ago.” Harry explained. “He’s been at Walton University for a year and got his own flat this term so I came straight after my shift at the bakery.”

“Oh okay.” Louis nodded. “My Nan lives on the sixth floor and always has.” The lift started to move while they stood opposite each other awkwardly and Louis got the feeling that Harry wanted to say something to him. Louis wasn’t sure what Harry wanted to say however so the two stood there in an uncomfortable silence, occasionally glancing across at each other only to look away when they caught eyes. Deciding conversation would be a better atmosphere, Louis opened his mouth to ask Harry whether Eleanor had been at the bakery as well that morning but before he could the lift made a strange groan and then the lights flickered off and then back on. Harry looked at Louis wide eyed and then to the doors.

 “Does that mean we’re at the floor?” He asked but Louis shook his head slowly.

“No. That’s not meant to happen.” The doors didn’t open and the screen the red help button with _Assistance_ underneath it flashed. Louis knew what that meant: the lift was broken.

 “This isn’t good.” Harry looked pale and worried but Louis calmly pressed the _assistance_ button and waited with baited breath, silently praying that Harry wasn’t claustrophobic. Louis had been stuck in this lift before with his Nan when he was 7 and they’d been here for two hours telling each other stories. Like last time, the Scottish manager of the estate this block of flats was on answered with the same bored tone.

 “Is the lift broken again?” He asked, sounding like he couldn’t give two shits. “Which block are you in?”

 Harry replied before Louis could. “We’re in Bridge House.”

 “Any idea which floor you’re stuck at?”

“Somewhere between the ground floor and floor six.” Harry explained and Louis snorted slightly, the block of flats was only eight high, they could be anywhere.

 “We’ll call a mechanic, stay put.”

“Like we have a choice.” Louis muttered. He slid down the wall he’d been leant against and looked up at Harry. “You might as well make yourself comfortable; I was here for two hours last time.”

 “Two hours?” Harry’s eyes widened. “What are we meant to do?”

Louis shrugged. “Talk I guess. We could sit in silence but-,”

 “No, let’s talk.” Harry seemed grateful of the suggestion but then an awkward silence fell as they both waited for the other to start.

 “So do you-,” “Have you-,” They started at the same time before both laughing awkwardly. Louis noticed that Harry’s cheeks flushed bright red as he carried on.

 “Have you written your drama monologue about an internal struggle yet?” Harry asked. “I heard from Perrie in Geography that that was your next examined piece or something and apparently everyone’s struggling.”

 Perrie was right. None of them had come up with anything substantial and there was only a week to perfect and memorise it ready for performance. To be honest, Louis was shitting himself.

 “We have to create this character that makes a decision and then write a monologue an internal struggle they might be going through. Any suggestions?”

 “You make up a character?” Harry frowned. “Like named or...”

“They don’t have to be named or anything.” Louis shrugged. “Don’t worry about it, I have a few ideas.” _Why was Louis lying to Harry? Who was he kidding, he had nothing._

 “Do you want to run them by me?” Harry offered kindly but Louis shook his head.

“Just ideas still.” Was Louis trying to impress Harry by claiming he had ideas? It didn’t matter, Louis decided instead to try and find out about strange boy. “I don’t think we spoke before this year.” He mentioned to Harry.

 “No, we did.” Harry corrected Louis. “At the start of school in Year 7 PE you tried to teach me how to play football properly and tried for like- a month.”

 “Oh.” Now that Louis searched his brain he did vaguely remember coaching some of the worst football players in the year back at the start of year seven.

 “But yeah, we never really talked after that until this year. I think you were disgusted at my lack of knowledge of the offside rule.”

 “I’ve only really spoken to you this year in form.” Louis felt embarrassed to say it but the statement held truth. “Do you know the offside rule now?” Harry nodded with a lazy grin on his quite pink lips.

 “You drilled it in to me.” Good on him, Louis was proud of his past self.

The lift fell silent for a few beats; Louis looked across at Harry and caught his eye awkwardly so he searched his brain to start conversation again, what could he say to this boy that he had ignored for five years?

 “Do you have a girlfriend?” Harry always hung around with the girls so surely he’d found a romance with one of them but Harry shook his head with an amused smile.

 “Did you not know?” He asked and Louis felt slightly embarrassed and a tiny bit anxious. What didn’t Louis know? Being part of the top group of the school had made Louis feel like he knew everything about everyone so any missing piece of information made him question his position.

“Know what?”

 Harry just shrugged. “That I’m gay.”

Oh.

Harry was... Harry was gay.

Okay.

 “So you’re into guys then?” Louis gauged and Harry nodded.

_Of course Louis, that’s what gay means._

 “Do you have a boyfriend?” Louis needed to know and then verify this nugget of information with Eleanor. He hadn’t thought there was anyone actually gay in the school anymore. Aiden in the year above had been but had gone to a different sixth form so Louis didn’t see him anymore.

 “Not at the moment.” Harry muttered. “I’ve been out for a while; I thought you would have known.” Yeah, Louis thought he would have too but apparently not.

 “No, I didn’t know actually.” Louis admitted, disappointed in himself.

Gay. That was actually a thing. Louis had always thought from what Oli and Calvin had always said that being gay was just something that people a bit wrong in the head were, something that only ever happened to people you didn’t quite now, only heard about but... well Harry was sat here in a lift with Louis and was gay.

Harry didn’t realise Louis’ mind was doing somersaults inside his skull and carried on like coming out as gay was the easiest thing known to man. “I was just asking about the monologue because I thought writing about being gay would be a good idea.” Harry shrugged. “I ran it by Perrie but she already had something, I thought maybe you could use it.”

 “I hadn’t thought of that...” Louis murmured slowly... “That’s not a bad idea.”

“Well you could talk about the struggles of growing up in a heteronormative world and being expected to be straight so questioning every thought you have about someone of the same sex and...” Harry trailed off but Louis wished he’d gone on. Louis wasn’t entirely sure what heteronormative meant but he was sure it meant something about growing up in a world where being straight was the norm – that would make sense. “You could also talk about the fear of coming out and consequences of it and... I don’t really know what you’re meant to do but if it was me that would be what I would right about.” Harry looked embarrassed because he’d said too much and Louis almost spoke up and reassured him that the idea was actually quite a good one but the lift shifted again, went up a few feet and then the doors opened onto the sixth floor that Louis was familiar with.

 Louis stood up cautiously in case it shifted again. “I suppose the lift is fixed.” When there was no movement beneath his feet, Louis stepped out of the lift, glad to be free. Harry followed him and Louis was about to point out that he had another floor left before Harry answered the question Louis hadn’t yet asked. _Why?_

“I might use the stairs for the last floor.”

“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.” Louis was embarrassed that he hadn’t already considered that as an explanation. “Thanks for the conversation I guess.” Louis mumbled as he made his way out. “I’ll see you at school.”

 

 Louis got started on his monologue when he returned from his Nan’s. What Harry had said in the lift had got the gears in his brain whirring and although Louis knew roughly what he would say, he wanted to be more clued up. He googled ‘coming out’ to see what he would find and after reading the Wikipedia article on the phrase, visiting a couple of pro-LGBT+ websites (which Louis knew now stood for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans+) he found a link to a YouTube video by Conner Franta, someone his sister Lottie watched. The video was six minutes long, had almost 10 million views and close to nine hundred thousand likes – there were also ten thousand dislikes.

When Louis pressed play Conner started by talking about how the year had been so good for him and how he was talking unscripted. He looked nervous and was laughing that way when he said he wanted to be honest with his audience before saying the big “I’m gay”.

 Conner had felt different to everyone else and when he was twelve he’d thought about the possibility and then buried every single one of those thoughts because he knew nothing else about it and was scared. But those thoughts didn’t go away and he had had sleepless nights thinking about it and never told anyone. He dated girls to be like everyone else but he felt isolated because of this secret-

 Hands shaking, Louis snapped his laptop shut; he didn’t need to watch this. He had his own bad memories from when he was younger and his eyes flickered instinctively to the blank patch of wall next to his bed.

 

  **Ten Year Old Louis Tomlinson**

_“Mum.” Louis spoke up as she drove them on the way back home from football practise._

_“Yes Boo.”_

_“What’s a faggot?” The question was small and innocent but Jay’s eyebrows still furrowed._

_“Where did you hear that word Louis?” Jay asled gently, careful not to trigger anything with her son._

_“Calvin shouted at that boy who tackled him...” Louis confessed. “Is it- is it a bad thing?”_

_“It’s a bad word, yes.” Jay nodded, breathing a sigh of relief at Louis’ caution around the word. “Please never repeat it.”_

_“Okay.” Louis nodded. He understood – faggots were bad._

**Twelve Year Old Louis**

_“Did you see David Beckham on Match of the Day?” Louis asked Oli excitedly when he saw him on the way to school on Monday._

_“Yeah I saw.” Oli nodded indifferently. “Why are you so happy about it?”_

_“I just like him.” Louis blushed – something in Oli’s tone warned Louis that he shouldn’t have been so thrilled with catching his favourite football player on TV – that made no sense. Louis liked David Beckham, he was his favourite football played and yet Oli was being weird about Louis watching him on Match of The Day. “I have the poster and stuff.”_

_“Louis mate.” Oli frowned, “My sisters have posters of bands they have a crush on. You don’t have a crush on David Beckham do you? You’re not a poof are you?”_

_“What?” Louis felt his cheeks go hotter still – if a poof was what he thought it was then he wasn’t one, there was no doubt about it... “Of course not...”_

_“Good, we wouldn’t want a poof on the team.” Oli shrugged._

_“What’s a poof?” Louis asked sharply._

_“A faggot... Someone that’s gay.” Oli rolled his eyes that Louis didn’t know. “I’m just saying, gay people don’t play football. Part of football is picking up all the girls and what would a gay guy do? Also can you imagine him popping a boner in the changing room? He’d have to get changed somewhere completely different.”_

_Louis tore David Beckham’s poster off of the wall and asked Arianna out the next day – she said yes._  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the ball starts rolling in Louis' mind
> 
> Come and find me on tumblr @written-with-no-end and kudos and comments are much appreciated XX


	4. The One With The Monologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know anything about A level drama but let's pretend a dramatic monologue is an important part of the course :)   
> Trigger warnings for mentions of suicide  
>  Enjoy xx

_I sit here- watching the pendulum on the old Grandfather’s clock swing back and forth, back and forth, back and forth like my mind._

_I don’t know who I am._

_When I was baby I was born to a man and a woman who’d loved each other enough to make me. When I was a baby I was put next to other babies of the opposite gender and my parents and their parents would laugh about us maybe being future couples. When I was a baby it was decided for me who I was to fall in love with. When I was a baby I wasn’t myself._

_The clock is still ticking back and forth. The swing is steady and the same and keeps the time. It counts every second I have spent sat here in front of the old grandfather’s clock trying to work out what I’m thinking._

_I don’t know who I am._

_When I was a child, I would look at families and see a man and woman in love. When I was a child I was told one day I’d find a girl and I’d fall in love with her and we’d be married and have children. When I was a child I accepted that because that was what I was told. When I was a child I wasn’t myself._

_The pendulum of the old grandfather’s clock has never stopped. It carries on whatever the weather. No matter who wins the election and what grade I get in an exam it still swings, still keeping the time. The pendulum hypnotises you is you watch for too long and you get stuck in a spiral of thoughts, unsure of where or what you are._

_I don’t know who I am._

_When I was a teenager I went through school watching everyone else around me ‘hook up’ and ‘fall in love’. Everyone coupled off while I stood in the middle of a crowd alone. When I was a teenager the girls who offered me their numbers and asked for help in class never enticed me enough to ask out. When I was a teenager I started to think I was broken and I decided one night while sat alone in my house to fix it. When I was a teenager I went to the bathroom cupboard and mashed every pill I could find into a powder and mixed it into to water to make a lethal potion. When I was a teenager I tried to take my own life._

_The pendulum swung as I crushed the pills together. The grandfather’s clock towered at the end of the corridor as I tipped the powder into my glass of water. The seconds passed as I took my spoon and mixed my perfect poison. The world kept turning as I raised the glass to my lips, ready to take a sip._

_I know who I am – I don’t want to be this person.”_

When he was finished he kept his head bowed, staring at the wooden floor of the drama studio. _He’d condemned himself._ The studio was silent and that couldn’t be a good thing. Silence was because everyone was trying to work out what they’d just sat through or because applauding was giving false hope to a lost cause. Knowing that he would have to eventually, Louis looked up and when his eyes focussed he realised his classmates were all tearing up. Perrie was filming it on her phone like she’d promised, Mr Corden was also filming it for the exam bored and- well everyone else looked strangely emotional. Louis smiled slightly to show them he was done but there was still no applause.

 Had he done it wrong? Was he not meant to have done that? Louis hated performing first because of that very reason. He couldn’t read their faces. Maybe it had been so traumatising to watch his classmates had been reduced to tears.

 “That was incredible.” Mr Corden stopped recording and stood up, clapping his hands together and everyone followed his lead, a few even whooping. Louis stepped off of the stage nervously and Perrie was there with her phone clutched in her hands, her blue eyes sparkling with recent tears.

 “Oh my god Louis!” She exclaimed and pulled him in for a hug. “You made me cry.”

 “In a good way?” Louis checked, the adrenaline still flowing through his blood and not helping him make sense of anything.

“Of course you dickhead!” Perrie laughed and wiped her eyes again when she let go of him. “That was like- Oscar worthy.”

 “Really?” Louis wasn’t so sure himself but Mr Corden was now telling Tom Parker who was following Louis he was unlucky to have to follow a perfect score. “Sorry what? A perfect score sir?”

 “You had everything – it was amazing.” Mr Corden nodded. “Well done Tomlinson, that was just incredible.” Louis thanked Sir and then followed Perrie to the back of the studio. Neither of them liked Tom and weren’t planning on paying much attention to his monologue.

 “I have to admit though; I did think you were writing it from heart at the start.” Perrie whispered so she didn’t disturb Tom’s performance. _What?_

 No, that wasn’t what Louis had wanted. “You think people are going to think that was really me?”

 “No, it’s a good thing.” Perrie insisted, not really understanding Louis. “We all know you and El are a match made in heaven, it was just really good acting.” Louis, however, didn’t care anymore – what if the football team found out? They’d laugh at him so much for successfully playing a gay character and if it really did sound like he was speaking from heart then they’d think he was gay and he’d never be able to play again.

 “Send me the video so I can watch it back yeah?” Louis asked Perrie. Louis wanted to analyse his own performance to see what everyone was going on about. Perrie nodded and did so right in front of him before the two sat back to watch Tom’s own monologue which was as flat as anything. Perrie seemed to have let Louis’ monologue go now but Louis’ mind was racing at a million miles an hour.

 He was taken back to the time when he was twelve and Oli had laughed at him. Why had he thought a monologue about being gay would be a good idea? It was Harry. Harry fucking Styles had suggested it. Louis could just imagine Oli, Calvin and Stan when they found out. Sometimes faggot would be used in a jokey way, a sort of nickname they had for Louis that he put up with but no, this wasn’t going to be good.

 

Drama was the last lesson of the day and Louis ran straight home. He didn’t wait around for Oli, Stan and Calvin and instead text them telling them he didn’t feel great. Eleanor was meant to be coming around after school for a date and Louis considered cancelling it but maybe he should see her and talk about his monologue before anyone else told her about it.

 At half past four the doorbell rang and Louis got up off the sofa where he’d been watching TV and answered it.

 “Hello superstar.” Eleanor grinned when Louis opened the door. “Have you won an Oscar yet?”

 “No, what are you on about?” Louis frowned. “Is this about my monologue?”

Eleanor nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah, Perrie put it on Facebook. It’s got over a thousand likes Louis.”

 “Wait what?” Louis asked and pulled out his phone, frown lines etching their way into his forehead. His phone had been on silent but now he saw the many notifications. There were hundreds of comments and everyone was sharing it. No. No. No.

“No.” Shaking his head, Louis scrolled franticly, not really focussing on any of the words posted underneath the video. Eleanor’s hand closed around his wrist delicately and stopping him scrolling.

 “Why not? Louis it’s amazing.” Eleanor reassured him. “I’m so proud of you.”

“People will think I’m gay.” Louis fretted. “Can you imagine if Stan, Oli and Calvin saw this?”

 “They probably already have.” Eleanor shrugged as if it meant nothing. “Look at the views.”

“No, Eleanor. This wasn’t meant to happen.” Louis felt his breaths quickening and he suddenly felt claustrophobic. He couldn’t breathe; he couldn’t think straight.

 “Louis babe, are you okay?” Eleanor asked. Louis couldn’t reply. He sank to his knees, still on his front steps and bought his knees up to his chest, scared of what was happening. “Are you having a panic attack? Lou?” Eleanor let out a worried sigh before looking into the house and calling out. “JAY!” Louis heard Eleanor shout into the house and then his Mum running to the front door. He felt her hand on his back comforting him and then soothing words in his ear. Eventually his throat widened and he felt himself coming back to his senses. He stayed curled up though, his head against his Mum’s chest as she held him tight.

 “He’s usually fine with big audiences.” Jay was telling Eleanor. “Has someone commented something bad?”

 “No, it’s all positive.” Eleanor replied. “He didn’t read them anyway.”

“He’s never had a panic attack before.” Jay sounded concerned. “What did he say before?”

 “He was worried people would think he’s gay. He mentioned Stan, Calvin and Oli...” Eleanor trailed off. She and Jay both knew that was it and Louis did too. It was Stan, Calvin and Oli. They were his childhood friends however nowadays it was less of a friendship and more of a commitment. There was too much history between the four of them for Louis to admit that he hated hanging around with them anymore and he’d discussed this with Jay and Eleanor before. They knew he was scared of what they’d think. They knew why Louis was panicking.

 “You don’t have to impress them you know Louis.” Jay murmured in his ear. “There are better people in the world who you won’t need to impress.”

 “Like me.” Eleanor offered, obviously trying to help.

“Exactly.” Jay smiled but it wasn’t helping. Louis hadn’t wanted Eleanor to see it after what Perrie had said. His drama class was a trusted environment who all understood it was a character and not a personal thing but others and now potential strangers on the internet, they would think it was coming from the heart.

 “Have you seen the monologue yet?” Eleanor asked.

“I wasn’t aware there was a video.” Jay admitted. “Can you show me?”

 “No!” Louis shouted. “No one’s watching it. It wasn’t meant to be up.”

“Louis you got a perfect score, it’s amazing.” Eleanor argued.

 “I’m texting Perrie and telling her to take it down.” Louis decided and finally uncurled to pull out his phone. He text Perrie urgently telling her in no uncertain circumstances it was to be deleted no matter what the view count was and what the comments said and thankfully Perrie understood and did so.

 Later he was lying on the sofa with Eleanor watching some rom-com with Lyndsay Lohan in. They’d decided not to go out in case Louis had another panic attack and Jay had instead made them pizza and kept the girls out of the living room but Louis couldn’t relax. Every time Eleanor moved close and tried to kiss him he winced and pulled away and she couldn’t keep a conversation with him up for more than two minutes.

 When their pizza was finished and the film was almost over Eleanor tried moving closer again.

“I’m sorry about earlier.” She apologised, her eyes big with sorrow. “But I got excited.”

 “I know.” Louis tried to sound forgiving but he couldn’t make it sincere.

“I thought it’d be a way for you to get spotted and be cast in an actual film or something.” She continued and Louis knew she was right but that wasn’t how he wanted it done.

 “Never mind.” He muttered.

“Are we okay?” Eleanor checked and Louis nodded, not trusting himself to vocalise it.

 They weren’t okay but that wasn’t Eleanor’s fault. Louis couldn’t work out what it was but Eleanor didn’t deserve his hostility. She leant up to kiss him and he let her, not pushing her away like before and she curled up in his chest, obviously thinking everything was good now. Louis wished it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was the monologue alright? I hope so  
> Kudos and comments are much appreciated, come and find me on tumblr @written-with-no-end


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for putting Louis through this, I truly am. Also, sorry for the (almost) absence of Harry in this chapter, he'll be a bigger part in the next one, I promise xx

On Monday morning Louis trudged into school late. He received a mouthful off of Mr Cowell when he slipped into form past the bell and discovered he’d missed the register. Mr Cowell then launched into some new school policy that the teachers had introduced for marking and Louis lowered his head into his arms praying for sleep.

 He hadn’t slept over the weekend. When Eleanor had gone home he’d curled up on the sofa with his Mother instead of his own bedroom and fallen asleep until Jay had poked him awake and helped him to bed. Then Louis had text Perrie asking what some of comments on the video had been and she sent him a few screenshots of her favourite ones. They were all positive of course, Perrie would never have sent any negative ones, but one from a friend of a friend of a friend stayed with Louis. “ _This guy’s story is so emotional. He’s such a good performer and it’s such a tragic story, I’m glad he’s strong enough to talk._ ”

 “ _But I’m not gay!”_ He’d text back to Perrie insistently and she’d just replied saying it didn’t matter as they didn’t know him.

 It did matter though.

That night Louis had turned his phone off, not wanting to speak to anyone. Louis had curled up under his duvet and tried to sleep but nightmares had haunted his night and Louis had been woken by Jay shaking him and telling him he’d been screaming in his sleep- it was usually non coherent mutterings. Louis had then insisted that Jay stayed with him until he fell asleep again and when he’d woken up the next time it was the early morning. Unable to stay contained in his room, Louis had scribbled his Mum a note and gone for a run. He’d run down the hill, along the canal, then along the river where it went under the canal before running through the park. He did the route often and never usually met anyone he knew but as he was running down the street of narrow terrace houses on his way back someone came out of the end one he knew well and he recognised the women as Stan’s Mum.

 Mrs Lucas had known Louis since he was four years old and once upon a time Louis had spent the same amount of time at Stan’s place after school as he had at his own house, he couldn’t run past without saying hello.

 “Oh Louis!” She had welcomed happily. “I haven’t seen you in months.”

“No, it’s been a while.” Louis had agreed, casting a careful eye up to Stan’s bedroom window which was at the front of the house; Mrs Lucas had seen and chuckled.

 “Oh Stan won’t be up yet. I saw your Drama piece on Facebook the other night though, stunning performance though, the last time I saw you act was the performance of Peter Pan the school put on two years ago, you looked right at home in those green tights. You’ve matured so much though, the monologue really struck a heart string.”

Louis’ heart had missed a beat. “You saw it?” That meant Stan had seen it or at least knew about it because Mrs Lucas and Stan were as close as Jay and Louis: very close. This hadn’t been what Louis had wanted. No... This couldn’t happen.

Stan’s mum had just nodded like nothing was wrong. “Yes, everyone around saw it, you had over a thousand likes didn’t you?”

 “Oh- I- yeah-,” Louis had needed to go but hadn’t been able to put together coherent sentences. “My mum- I should get back.” Louis had stuttered his excuse to Stan’s Mum and she had let him go but as soon as he was around the corner he couldn’t run. His breath was short again and he had managed to make it home slowly walking and then had sat at the bottom of the stairs catching his breath.

 “Are you okay Louis?” Jay had frowned when she saw him before sighing when she saw him in his worn out trainers and shorts. “You didn’t go for a run did you?” Louis had just nodded, taking a deep breath.

“I couldn’t stay in, I needed to get out.” He’d muttered and closed his eyes, focussing on getting his breathing even again. _Why had he used ‘out’?_ His little sister Phoebe had bounded down the stairs behind him and he’d moved over so that there was room for her to get by but instead she flopped beside him.

 “I want to run like you.” She had decided, looking up at her brother earnestly. “But I don’t want to smell like you.”

“Yeah?” Louis had asked. “Shall we run together one day?” Phoebe had then nodded with bright eyes before rising to go and get her breakfast. Just his sister’s unchanging presence had calmed Louis down and he had decided to thank her for it one day if he ever remembered. Jay had returned to the bottom of the stairs then with a cup of tea in hand however Louis had spent the rest of the weekend anxious and not sleeping properly, especially last night and his lateness was mostly due to his reluctance to come in.

 “Did you see Eleanor at the weekend?” Niall asked.

“Only Friday.” Louis grumbled in return. Why did the Irish musician even care?

Niall didn’t let it go. “How come you’re so tired then?” Oh yeah. Because usually when Louis was tired at school it’s because Eleanor had slept with him.

 “’M ill.” Louis lied.

“Not hung over?” Zayn sounded surprised and now Louis thought about it lying about being with Eleanor or being hung over would have been a smarter move.

 “No, I’m ill.” Louis insisted.

“You were alright for your monologue.” Of course someone had to remind Louis about the reason he’d felt so anxious and shit and of course that someone was Harry.

 “Yeah well I got ill afterwards.” Louis snapped back. He was already freaking out internally about seeing Calvin, Stan and Oli in PE next and another reason for his lateness had been avoiding them before school. If Stan had seen the monologue then he undoubtedly would have told the others (not that anyone in the school hadn’t seen it) and Louis dreaded stepping into the changing rooms.  “It’s not like there was anything true in that monologue.” He added for good measure. “I made it all up.”

 “Yeah?” Harry asked looking doubtful.

“Yes.” Louis shot back without hesitation and Harry knew that, it had been Harry who’d given him the idea.

 “You don’t even have a grandfather clock?” Liam checked and Louis rolled his eyes at the random piece of information Liam wanted to know for verification.

“No, I live in a tiny house. My bedroom is like the size of this table.” Louis wasn’t exaggerating. His bedroom was his bed, a tiny chest of drawers and then most of his clothes were in his Mum’s wardrobe. “I have a girlfriend as well in case you hadn’t realised.” He had to make sure his point was made and decided then to follow Liam into the changing rooms in PE when form time finished. Liam would stand by him right? Maybe not, Louis usually treated him like shit. “It was all fictional like it was meant to be.”

 “Does that mean you can use it for the English creative writing?” Zayn pondered. “Because that’s about a decision innit?”

 “I mean- yeah.” Louis shrugged. “I guess.” He didn’t want to use it again though. The monologue had caused Louis more stress than it had been worth and he wanted to carry on and pretend it had never happened.

 “Mate that’s two A*s in one.” Zayn groaned, his own head in his hands at the prospect of having to come up with a new idea when Louis had killed two birds with one stone. “Why don’t you sound excited?”

“I don’t like the monologue anymore.” Louis muttered. “It was stupid and now everyone thinks it was actually me talking. I wrote it. I made it up!”

 “Louis!” Mr Cowell snapped. “Do you want to remind me what the new policy was?” Louis’ mind went blank. “Not even the name?” Out of the corner of his eyes Louis could see Harry mouthing it to him but he didn’t dare break eye contact with Mr Cowell. “No, I forgot, you’re a celebrity now. You don’t need to come into school when everyone else does and follow our rules.”

 Louis knew now he was in trouble. “Sorry sir.” He tried.

 “Detention at break.” Mr Cowell sanctioned anyway. “We can go back over the new policy then.”

Louis waited until Mr Cowell had turned away before rolling his eyes and swearing under his breath but Perrie across the room caught his eye, obviously trying to get his attention.

 “What does she want?” Zayn asked darkly; clearly Zayn still hadn’t forgiven her for their break up and Louis felt slightly like a double agent.

 “Dunno.” Louis muttered though he was pretty sure she was trying to mouth to him ‘are you okay?’ He didn’t want to talk to anyone so he lowered his head back on the table and hoped Mr Cowell wouldn’t look over.

 The walk to the sports block had never seemed so short and in a matter of seconds Louis found himself next to Liam (who was confused to say the least about why Louis was still with him) in front of the boys dressing room doors.

Liam pushed the door open and Louis didn’t look up as he followed Liam blindly to one of the benches along the edge wall where he was meant to get changed.

 “Calvin wants you.” Liam told Louis and Louis could hear Calvin asking ‘Why the fuck are you over there?’ Reluctantly Louis grabbed his bag again, turned around and pretended he hadn’t noticed Calvin before then.

 “Sorry mate; didn’t see you there.” Louis grinned; he worried sometimes about how easily lying came to him but Calvin seemed to accept it.

 “What were you doing with Liam?” Calvin asked with a curt tone to his voice that sent waves of anxiety through Louis’ body – Calvin had noticed that he was acting weirdly. “Are you mates with him or something, I thought you couldn’t stand him?”

“No, he’s just in my form.” Louis shrugged and let Calvin carry on about how Liam was a goody two shoes and an annoying prick. He didn’t like Calvin bad mouthing Liam when Liam could probably hear but he wasn’t going to say anything, Calvin didn’t need any more evidence Louis was fucked up. Stan and Oli then arrived and Stan clapped Louis on the back.

 “I saw your monologue mate, how come you ignored my texts?”

“My phones broken.” Louis lied yet again. He still hadn’t turned his phone back on, dreading the flurry of people undoubtedly trying to contact him. “I’m getting a new battery tonight though.”

 “Everyone’s been going on about your monologue, what was it?” Calvin asked, clearly and thankfully in the dark about it; Stan stepped in before Louis could explain himself.

 “This thing about being gay.”

Just as Louis had predicted both Calvin and Oli exclaimed with wide eyes: “You’re gay?”

 “No! I made it up.” Louis argued back fiercely and didn’t look at either of them in the eye. “It’s not real.”

“It sounded it.” Stan smirked. “I think my Mum thinks that was your way of coming out.”

 “Yeah well it wasn’t.” Louis shouted back and then realised everyone else in the changing room was looking at them after his outburst. He lowered his voice again. “I hated it anyway; I don’t know why everyone else liked it.”

 “Yeah well Mr Corden is gay as fuck.” Oli laughed. “He could probably relate to it.” Oli made his voice weird in an attempt to imitate Mr Corden. “Oh Louis, you really connected with how I felt as a teenager, have all of the A*s!

“Yeah and he’s fat.” Calvin agreed with an evil laugh. “Does he live on top of McDonalds or something?”

 “Probably.” Louis hated the words coming out of his mouth as Mr Corden was his favourite teacher but they couldn’t know. The concept of having a favourite teacher would be alien to them.

 The PE lesson dragged on forever.

Every time Louis passed the ball in basketball to a boy Stan would tease them about being Louis’ boyfriend and it may not have been an entire accident when Louis miss shot and slammed the ball into the back of Stan’s head. The two usual hours of PE felt like five and when they got changed back into uniform Louis trudged back to Mr Cowell’s room for his detention.

 “Louis, sit down.” Mr Cowell gestured, a fake smile plastered to his face and Louis did so. Mr Cowell had obviously printed off the policy he’d been banging on about earlier and he pushed it towards Louis. “Now read this for twenty minutes, I need to reply to emails.”

 Louis had had worse detentions. He stared blankly at the writing on the paper not taking any of it in, instead trying to work out how to prove to everyone he was still straight. He managed to text Eleanor under the table and asked her to eat lunch with him because it sounded like a good idea in Louis’ mind. Louis had decided he’d make a big deal of kissing her or something like that in front of everyone to prove that he was straight. That would work right?

 Louis sat next to Leigh-Anne in RE like usual and ignored Mrs Colling’s presentation about Roman Catholic’s views on female priests. Instead he successfully wasted an entire hour flicking little bits of paper into Leigh-Anne’s bushy hair and then Harry’s curls. He knew Oli was watching him across the room and sniggering behind his hand so that had to be progress? Maybe he hadn’t been alienated from his once friends entirely.

 Then English came around and Mr Walsh grinned as soon as Louis stepped in.

 “Louis! I saw your monologue and all of the English teachers have been talking about it. You were born to be an actor!” He was too gushy and didn’t stop even as Louis completely blanked him to drop into his seat behind Zayn and next to some kid called Matt (Louis was sure it was him who had once pierced his own lip and not been in school for a month because he hadn’t sterilised the needle).

 “Anyway Louis, I was thinking and you can write down your monologue again and submit it for your English piece. It’s a guaranteed A* and-,”

 “Yeah I’ll do it.” Louis grunted to shut him up and opened his book and started writing so he wasn’t pulled into yet another conversation.

 When lunch came around he met Eleanor like he’d planned. He pulled her in for a kiss the second he saw her and she looked at him with surprise.

 “I’m sorry for Friday.” He apologised, trying to sound as genuine and gentle as he could. “I don’t know what was wrong.”

 “Don’t worry.” Eleanor smiled and kissed him again. Louis laced their fingers together as they lined up for food and breathed a sigh of relief for her forgiveness. “How come you got detention earlier, I missed you at break?”

 “Sir was being a dick in form.” Louis huffed. “I was talking over him and he got on the hump.”

“Maybe he’s just jealous of your new found fame.” Eleanor was probably trying to make Louis feel better but it didn’t.

 “Can we forget about that completely?” Louis asked. “I’m sick of people going on about it.”

Eleanor looked confused at this but nodded and didn’t mention the monologue again and it did eventually get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, I don't hate James Corden, Louis' friends are just pricks  
> Yes, Simon Cowell does sound a lot like Snape, it just happened and we'll roll with it
> 
> Kudos and comments are much appreciated. Alternatively you can come and find me on tumblr @written-with-no-end, my ask box is always open. Please share this fic if you liked it, I will love you forever. 
> 
> Xx


	6. The One With Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This would have been up two hours earlier if I hadn't been distracted by Back To The Future 2, I've never seen it before but it's so good! Anyway, the fic:   
>  There's a slight use of homophobic slurs in this chapter, a relationship with a HUGE (like ten years) age difference and more drunk Louis.  
>  That's all, enjoy :)

December came around quicker than Louis had expected and Mr Cowell decided that a good way to unite the form over the festive period would be by doing a secret Santa - everyone else thought that it was a shit idea. The whole form put their names into a hat and then Mr Cowell took it around and people picked them out one at a time and were forbidden to show anyone else, not that many people followed this instruction either.

 Louis’ piece of paper read ‘Harry Styles’ and he was okay with that. He’d get the weird boy a novelty pencil sharpener or something and it’d be fine but next to him Zayn was grumbling with annoyance.

 “Can we swap bro?” He asked in a whisper to Louis who immediately looked at Zayn’s paper to see who he had. Zayn’s paper read: Perrie Edwards.

“Not a chance Zayn, I can’t wait to see what you get her.”

 “Oh fuck you.” Zayn muttered and turned to Liam instead, asking him the same question.

“Nah mate.” Liam giggled. “You have fun trying to find a gift with that one.” Zayn just huffed and sat back in his chair, grumbling quietly next to Louis. Louis was quite sure he heard: “If you got Sophia you’d be dying to swap” and his head snapped up immediately.

“Liam and Sophia broke up? When did that happen?” Louis’ wide blue eyes turned to Liam who blushed and looked slightly like he’d been punched in the stomach.

 “It was last week.” Liam mumbled. “She told me she’d found someone else.”

Shit, poor Liam. “Who did she find?”

 “Someone from the year above at Lochen College.” Liam shrugged but he didn’t look like he was cool with it. “Nick something.”

 “Oh, Harry’s boy is called Nick too.” Niall told everyone with a cheerful smile and Louis looked around at Harry surprised.

“What?” Harry had a boyfriend? Since when? Louis was really out of it with the school gossip and it worried him – he’d spent too much time worrying about himself and what was going on in his own brain to worry about others.

 “Nick Grimshaw.” Harry revealed and Louis recognised the name from somewhere. “He doesn’t go to school anymore... he’s a little bit older than us.”

 “Well done mate.” Zayn smirked. “He goes to college?”

Before Harry could answer Zayn however, Louis had made a connection with the name. “Nick Grimshaw?” Louis asked Harry slowly, “Tall and obnoxious, didn’t he come in last year and help out with photography GCSE students?”

 “Yeah, that’s how we met.” Harry nodded, speaking quietly now and Liam’s eyes widened just as much as Louis’. Nick Grimshaw had to be about thirty years old and was a bit slimy and- well there had been rumours of him touching some of the girls up when he’d been around but...

 “Isn’t that illegal?” Liam asked horrified and interrupted Louis’ thoughts.

“He’s like thirty!” Louis spat with disgust. “He wasn’t even good looking...”

 “He’s not thirty and I like him.” Harry scowled at Louis before turning to Liam. “It’s not illegal either; he doesn’t work at the school anymore.”

 “When did you get together?” Louis asked carefully, not wanting Harry to shut down and not tell them anything before they could determine just how out of place the relationship was.

“At a party a few weeks ago.” Harry revealed. “He invited me, it was with a few of his mates I’d met before and we had a good time and then we kissed and... got together.” Harry looked embarrassed to say it now and before any of the four boys could make a comment he added profusely. “It’s not grooming or anything, I just- I like him.”

 Louis didn’t like it at all.

 

A week before school broke up for Christmas Jay knocked on Louis’ bedroom door far too early for a Saturday morning.

 “What?” Louis grunted from the under the covers, not prepared to face the world just yet.

“Louis, please get up.” Jay called through the door. “And shower.” She added as an after though, remembering how her teenage son smelt before he did.

 “Why? What’s the time?” There was no point in Louis getting up before Eleanor had finished work because there would be nothing to do and no one to see – that was one of Louis’ mottos.

“It’s half past eight but you need to get going.”  Why the hell was Jay being so cryptic at this hour? Nothing made sense. Groaning, Louis swung his legs off the bed and stood up, steadying himself as the head rush fucked with his balance. Louis opened the door, grabbing the towel off of his radiator and walked straight into Jay who was waiting for him just outside of his door. “Mum, what’s going on?”

 “I need to take the girls to their swimming lessons but you need to be at Sandy’s café in an hour.”

What?

 Sandy was one of Jay’s friends that she’d met through nursing however Sandy had given that up when she’d had children and had instead opened a café on the road between Walton and Lochen. The café had been very successful and was called The Walton and Loch (very imaginative) and was popular among a lot of regulars who were mostly old ladies.

 “Why do I need to go to Sandy’s café?” Louis asked, looking down at his mother through sleep filled eyes.

 “She needs a waiter over the Christmas period and you’ll get loads of tips and if you Nan is going to pay for your driving lessons and let you drive her car you’re going to need money for petrol. If you’re really lucky then Sandy might let you have the job permanently but it depends how well you do.” Louis tried to make sense of Jay’s words, only focussing on one thing.

 “I’ve got a job?”

“Not if you don’t get to Sandy’s café in an hour.” Jay shook her head. “Sandy will tell you what to do, show you the ropes and all you need to do is shower and dress smartly in black. Please do me proud Lou because I’ve really bigged you up and it will be embarrassing.”

 “Oh- wow, thanks Mum!” Louis smiled and pulled her in for a tight hug. For all the nagging his Mum gave him she really was a good one and Louis needed her to know she was forgiven for waking him up so early in the morning. He had a fucking job!!

He showered quickly and pulled on plain black t-shirt and his go-to skinny black jeans. He walked briskly to Sandy’s café and made it there before he’d needed to. He knocked on the door to the café that was still closed and Sandy appeared quickly, all smiles and hugs.

 “Louis! I haven’t seen you for years but your Mum promised me you’d be good at this. God, you’ve grown.” Louis let Sandy fuss over him, remembering the times he’d baby sat her kids before and the times Sandy had babysat him. Jay and Sandy had been friends since Louis was five so he knew her very well, once upon a time he’d even called her Aunty Sandy.

 Sandy showed him around the café and all of the ropes that he’d need. She showed him how the till worked, the best way to take orders and told him to be friendly and chat with the customers. Then the waitress Louis was going to be working with turned up; she had blonde hair and a familiar smile before-

 “Hannah!” Louis smiled broadly.

“Louis Tomlinson.” Hannah Walker smiled in return at the recognition. She’d been part of Louis’ gang until going to college in September instead of staying at Oaken Sixth Form but now it looked like the two would be reunited. “Sandy mentioned I’d be working with _a_ Louis but I didn’t realise it’d be you; I’m over the mood”

 “Yeah, this will be a blast from the past.” Louis agreed with a grin on the face; work looked like it was going to be fun.

 

On the last day of term, the class finally exchanged their secret Santa presents. All of them were put onto the table at the front and then Niall donned a red hat and handed them out while chuckling “Ho-ho-ho,” as he did. Zayn had wrapped up Perrie a box of things she’d left at his when they’d broken up to Louis’ amusement and from Ashton had received one of the mindfulness colouring books that he looked immensely pleased with. Louis ripped opened the paper on his own present when he received it and caught a glimpse of something red and orange... Confused Louis unwrapped it more before realising with a horror that it was one of those pens with all seven colours of the rainbow.

“What the fuck?” He muttered, frowning. _Was this someone’s idea of a sick joke?_

 “Sweet – it’s a rainbow pen.” Zayn snickered before voicing the same fearful though that was circling around Louis’ mind. “That drama thing you did really left an impression.”

“I’m not fucking gay.” Louis huffed, his cheeks huffing. “Who gave this to me?” He looked around with icy eyes until they fell on Harry who was watching Louis nervously, all of the signs on his face. “Was this you?”  Harry’s eyes widened in fear at Louis’ reaction and it was the only confirmation Louis needed.

 “I-,” Harry began but before he could give any explanation the bell went. Harry bolted.

 

 Louis saw the curly haired boy waiting outside Niall’s Spanish classroom afterschool and took his chance. He approached quietly so Harry didn’t have a chance to bolt before asking Harry with a heated voice.

“Why the fuck did you get me that pen?” Louis demanded and Harry whipped around at Louis’ voice, his eyes were wide and scared like they had been earlier.

 “I didn’t mean anything by it.” He said immediately, backing away from Louis slightly.

  _Coward._

“Then why the fuck did you give it to me?” Louis asked. “People will get the wrong fucking idea.”

 “No they won’t.” Harry argued back, “It’s a pen and the pride flag only had six colours, they will think nothing!”

  _Zayn thought something._

“It’s a fucking rainbow pen!” Louis returned. “People are going to think I’m some faggot like you!” The words were said with spite and Louis meant them. He watched as Harry’s pink lips turned down at the edges and his green eyes sparkled with tears as a look of devastation dawned his face. “Don’t fucking cry,” Louis snapped, “man up about it.”

 “Why are you being such a dick Lou?” Harry asked, not biting back like Louis had expected but instead sounding disappointed; the devastation from his face was seeping into his cracking voice.

 “Don’t ‘Lou’ me!” Louis snapped in disbelief; he couldn’t believe Harry’s courage. “Don’t call me Lou like you’re my fucking girlfriend, we’ve spoken like once and thanks to you everyone is fucking calling me some poof and we both know I’m not. I like girls, I have a girlfriend and I love her. I’m not gay so stop getting your fucking hopes up because it’s not like I’m ever going to be interested in someone like you!” Harry shrank back from Louis and the door to the Spanish classroom opened. Louis stepped away from Harry just in case someone read into how close they’d been standing and got the wrong idea.

 “It was a fucking pen.” Harry muttered, almost in a sob. “Just let it go.”

 Louis gave up. He spun on his heels and left the corridor of language classrooms to go home. It was the Christmas holidays and thanks to Harry fucking Styles he already felt shit.

 

After Louis’ shift at the café on Saturday morning he got a lift off of Jay into Lochen town and met Eleanor who was doing last minute Christmas shopping after her own shift at the bakery. Louis and Eleanor had agreed not to get each other presents for reasons Louis could no longer remember but when he and Eleanor passed in front of TopShop and she spotted a dress she liked Louis offered to pay for it for her. She had rewarded him with a kiss on the cheek and a hot chocolate from Costa Coffee next door.

 The two had finished their shopping in the late afternoon and slowly made their way back to Eleanor’s agreed pick up point with her mother, chatting quietly about irrelevant things until Eleanor pointed out a couple of people coming down the road.

“Hey look, it’s Harry.” She mentioned as they sat on a car park wall. Louis looked up and saw Harry and another man being beckoned over. “That must be Nick.” She added in a whisper and Louis frowned, looking back at the man. He’d presumed give the age that the man was an older relative, maybe Harry’s cousin Matty that he’d been visiting in the flats, but sure enough when Harry and Nick reached Louis and Eleanor, Nick flung his arm around Harry’s shoulder and held him tightly.

 Louis didn’t dare look at Harry, the memories of their last conversation replaying and the look of devastation on Harry’s face when Louis had said the spiteful things flashing clearly in Louis’ mind. It was true though – Louis wasn’t gay and Harry was.

 “Hiya Eleanor.” Harry was probably smiling but Louis didn’t look. “This is Nick who I was telling you about.”

 “Hi Nick.” Eleanor smiled, “I’m Eleanor, I work at the bakery with Harry.”

“Oh right.” Nick nodded, “And who’s this? Your brother?”

 “I’m her boyfriend.” Louis frowned, looking up defensively and shifting closer. To Nick’s credit there’d been a good couple of inches between the two of them but they didn’t look like brother and sister did they? “I’m Louis.”

 “Oh-,” Nick glanced at Harry who nodded slightly. _Harry had told Nick what Louis had said._ “Anyway we should get going back to yours Harry.” Nick shrugged. He pulled in Harry for a kiss who smiled into it before the two bid goodbye to Eleanor, pointedly not Louis, and walked up the street.

 “I still don’t like that they’ve got such a big age difference.” Louis muttered darkly as he watched them leave. He felt some sort of protection over Harry, a want to make sure he wasn’t being groomed or abused or something even worse. Nick was at least five years older than them and was taller, stronger and had more experience in general, the power in the relationship wasn’t balanced at all and it made Louis nervous to see Harry trusting someone who could break him so easily.

Eleanor just tutted at Louis’ voiced doubt. “Harry knows what he’s doing, Nick won’t take advantage of him.”

 Louis very much doubted that but let the subject go as a car he recognised rolled down the street and into the car park.

 “There’s your Mum.” Louis nudged Eleanor who was looking down at her phone. Eleanor looked up, registered that her mother was parking up ready for Eleanor to hop in and stood up off the door, patting the possible dirt off of the jeans.

“Goodbye babe.” Louis muttered and stood up as well, ready to take the bus back to his own home.

“Do I not get a goodbye kiss?” Eleanor frowned, her red lipstick lips pouting. “I’m not seeing you until we’re back at school remember.”

 Of course. Eleanor was away over Christmas and New Year’s and Louis wouldn’t see any of her for two weeks. Eleanor pulled Louis in for a kiss and Louis accepted her kiss on the lips, wondering if gay kisses felt the same. Would Harry’s lips feel any different against Nicks than Louis’ against Eleanor? Would Harry’s feel different against Louis?

_What the fuck?_

“Louis, you froze.” Eleanor commented with a concern, pulling back. “What’s the matter?”

  _Does she know? Did she hear that?_

“Huh? Nothing.” Louis glanced around but no one else was in the car park apart from Eleanor and Eleanor’s Mum Jane in the car. “Sorry, just got a weird thought.”

 “I’ll see you when I’m back then.” Eleanor sighed, still frowning at Louis’ abnormal behaviour.

“Yeah, see you.” Louis nodded and watched as Eleanor climbed into Jane’s car.

  _What the fuck had just gone on in Louis’ brain? Why had that thought even entered Louis’ mind? It wasn’t like Louis wanted to kiss Harry... he was just curious. Kissing Eleanor had felt like a chore though and Louis was sick of it._

Those thoughts didn’t leave Louis’ brain.

It was a recurring cycle of “I’m going to miss Eleanor” “I wonder what kissing Harry would be like” and “What the fuck is wrong with me.”

 On Louis’ birthday Eleanor skyped Louis from the ski resort and Louis sat through it, waiting desperately to end because he felt guilty – he’d thought about kissing a guy when kissing her.

 On Christmas day he sat in the corner of the living room watching while his sisters opened their presents in delight and he tried to sort out the thoughts crowding his mind.

On boxing day he went into the café and watched as Hannah giggled with the charming male customers and flirted in the same way with the female ones the same as he always had. Maybe nothing was wrong... maybe he was fine.

 On the 27th Louis had his first driving lesson and focussed completely on learning how to drive, glad to free his mind for a few hours. It was the calmest he’d felt since school had finished for Christmas.

On the 28th of December Louis took his sisters to the cinema, ignoring Oli’s offer of a kick about in the park.

 On the 29th of December he received an invite from Hannah Walker to her New Year’s party when they shared their shift in the café but on the 30th he rolled around in bed with his mind reeling.

 Jay had been watching the news after dinner and there had been an article about a teenage boy who’d run away from home after coming out over Christmas dinner and there was an appeal to find him. The boy had kept a journal and in it had written something which wouldn’t leave Louis’ head. _“I like guys and girls... I’m not fucking normal. I’m not fucking straight or fucking gay and no one seems to accept that there’s not just the two fucking sides of the coin. No one fucking understands me”_

Louis had felt slightly faint when he did understand this missing stranger. Louis understood it, he got how this guy could like girls, maybe even have a girlfriend and yet also have some infiltration with guys as well.

 But Louis wasn’t like that – he’d had one thought of kissing Harry, one fleeting second of curiosity before he’d been back with his girlfriend who he loved very much.

 

On the 31st of December Louis went to Hannah’s house party with no idea what he was going to do. He needed a distraction so alcohol seemed like a good idea but a new thought had entered his mind that morning. A poisonous one that Louis wouldn’t admit was a pathetic excuse to why he felt like he did.

 Maybe Eleanor just wasn’t pleasing him anymore – maybe that was why Louis’ mind had wondered to Harry in the brief moment their lips had been pressed together.

 No one close to Louis would be at the party because most of them would be Hannah’s new college friends and Louis had checked and knew for a fact that not Stan, Calvin, Oli or anyone from his form would be there.

 Louis could see whether it really was that Eleanor wasn’t doing it for him anymore quite easily. Maybe he could find a girl, tell her he was single and wanted a kiss for New Years and see how that unfolded. Louis got to the party slightly late, leaving only an hour until midnight so everyone would be the right side of tipsy and not really caring who Louis was or why he was interested. Hannah immediately spotted Louis and made a beeline.

 “Tomlinson!”

“Hiya Hannah.” Louis grinned and she pulled him in for an unexpected hug which Louis told himself was just Hannah’s way of steadying herself. “How much have you been drinking?”

 “I don’t remember.” Hannah shrugged sloppily, “But you need alcohol down you.”

Louis accepted the alcoholic mix Hannah seemed to conduct from nowhere and within half an hour he was dancing in the middle of a big group with Hannah hanging off of his arm.

 “Didn’t I give you a plus one?” Hannah shouted over the music. “Why haven’t you used it?”

Louis was unsure why he lied so quickly to Hannah. “I broke up with Eleanor.” He shouted back. “Why are you asking?”

 “Because I don’t know about you-,” Hannah moved in closer to be heard more easily over the music. “But I think us two could have fun tonight.”

 “Say that again!” Louis shouted back, not trusting his ears with the loud music.

“I said,” Hannah pulled Louis’ head down so that her mouth aligned with his ear, “That us two could have some fun tonight.”

 This was it. This had been the opportunity Louis had been waiting for – to get with another girl for the night and test whether Eleanor had been satisfactory. But did Louis want to do it with Hannah? Hannah was a colleague and a friend... Louis couldn’t have a relationship with her because it would ruin everything. Then again, this was what he’d come here for.

 “Yeah, alright.” Louis nodded and Hannah grinned, “We can have lots of fun.” Their faces were next to each other as it was so Hannah took the opportunity to steal a kiss from Louis’ lips.

 Louis was too drunk and not paying attention enough to register it as a kiss before Hannah had pulled away and was dancing again, closer to Louis now.

 “You going to kiss me at midnight?” Hannah asked when there were five minutes to go. They’d only kissed once that night but Hannah had been dancing and grinding on Louis the entire time and Louis had danced next to her, pressing against her the only way he knew how.  They were hot and close by the time the sixty second countdown began and Louis leant in even closer when Hannah had tried to ask him something.

 “How come you and Eleanor broke up?” Hannah asked over the shouts of ’45, 44, 43’

“I didn’t like her anymore.” Louis shrugged, “She wasn’t doing it for me.” _Maybe._

 “That’s a pity.” Hannah frowned, “For her, not me.”

The shouts got closer to midnight and Louis should have been getting excited about the incoming kiss but when the screams for the New Year sounded in the room and Hannah leant in, Louis was filled with nothing but dread and guilt.

 Hannah was hot and she was a good kisser but she wasn’t Eleanor – Hannah was clinging on and kissing Louis more and more, pressing her body up against his but she wasn’t Eleanor – she was really into it and Louis really wished he was but he couldn’t bring himself to give it as much as Hannah was.

 Louis was so fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hate Harry and Nick's relationship in this fic - I find it so hard to write and you will find out why (I promise there's no rape or grooming or anything).   
>  Kudos and comments are much appreciated or alternatively you can find me on tumblr @written-with-no-end  
> If you liked this fic then please share and if you're looking for another fic to read I'm currently working on Facade as well which I am very proud of.   
> Apart from that, have a nice day xx

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are much appreciated, come and follow me on tumblr @written-with-no-end


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